People say you always have a choice it is what we decide. Did I have a choice??? I think of it everyday before I sleep. Twelve years ago, I was fourteen it is very difficult to be raised without a mother especially if you are a girl. I was trying hard to study for my exams, I had my first periods and it was really irritating me. I sat on the bed crumbled, squeezing my tummy gazing at the biology textbook. I knew I was going to flunk for the first time.
It was time for dinner my dad entered my room to check on me. I was in terrible pain. I wore a pink short and white T with lavender flowers on it. He sat next to me and said, "what happened?" Two years ago my mother had passed away, since then I had nobody else to share my feelings and my thoughts, for me it was always my dad.
"May be I should look", he said. I didn't know what to say but before I could think of an answers I was sitting half naked, I was week I had never seen so much blood in my life and was feeling very dizzy. I was literally bleeding. I didn’t know what was going on, seconds later I laid naked on the ground. I could feel a terrible pain in my abdomen my dad was above me I was crying in pain. He never stopped I begged him repeatedly. That ten min was my longest ten min when he stood up. It was burning I had no tears left. Everything around me was spinning. I saw him walk out of my room he was in blood too. I fell unconscious.
When I woke up, I learnt that I was unconscious for two days. I had flunked my exams. I was scared I never spoke a word about what had happened. Things had changed in my life; from that day whenever my dad entered my room I knew what was going to happen. I found it really tough in the beginning. I wondered doesn't he ever give up; instead it got worst he bought me nightwear cloths, which I never felt comfortable, but I was asked to wear them at home. Every night was a nightmare for me. Until one day I had decided, I ran away... far away where nobody found me I was sixteen.
It was raining terribly I stepped out of the train at the last station, the board indicated Mumbai. I had eloped with 2000 Rs in hand. Five min to nine showed the station clock, I walked in the rain; I didn't know where I was going. I was scared... but I had no turning back. I was looking for some shelter to sleep and decide the rest in the morning. I don’t know how long I had walked when suddenly a car came and stopped in front of me. Four men stepped out they were drunk. One of the bald men said something in Marathi before he dragged me inside the Qualis. I didn’t fight back I don’t know why, I wondered all men in this world are the same; my cloths were torn and thrown outside. I had started to hate all men now. Was it wrong to be born as women? I felt I was a sinned. Four hours passed. They had burned my breast and thighs with cigar, yet I had not uttered a word. Finally they pushed me on the street from the moving car. I fell in front of a bus stop naked.
When I woke up, I was in the hospital. 2 girls in the 20s and a man stood next to me, by the looks I could make out the man was transgender. I was in a local hospital they had bribed the doctor to first aid me. I was discharged on the same day. They took me to their house I struggled to walk. When I reached I realized they were sex-workers. One of the girls asked me if I had any relatives who would come for me. I looked at her she was pretty and beautiful she smiled at me as she sat besides me. She asked me again “where are your parents?” I busted out into tears, I cried out loud till my throat went dry. I was gasping for my breath; none of them spoke till I stopped. I guess they knew what I was feeling. Very soon I realized they had experienced similar situations in their life we were no different. That day I decided, I had only one choice; if I was the sin then I will use myself for my living. I moved into their family, they were my sister’s, I had a family if not blood relative somebody who was better then my dad.
It has been twelve years since then, I don’t know what happened to my dad, I never wanted to know. But I always wondered whether my mother was watching me, I didn’t know what she would have felt looking at what I was doing but I was sure she would be happy for whatever I am doing.
I just consoled myself that she will understand my situation before I dozed off, that night I met my mother she was smiling at me she gave me a tight hug and said “its over dear”. I wondered if it was a dream. I looked down I saw my sisters crying. I was dead.... HIV. But there was a question that remained a mystery in me “did I have a choice?”
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